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Sunday, May 5, 2019,
--03:52 a.m.
I used to be vocal and expressive of my feelings and thoughts, hence this blog. I used to feel very deeply about something, and feelings are not always sunshine. In fact they were gloomy most of the time. My mood was on a constant roller coaster going up and down which I never thought I would see light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was gonna be miserable all my life. It was so dark, I was so unhappy, I never saw life as a beautiful thing. When I asked people when was the last time they cried and their answer was "I couldn't remember", it hurt me further deeply. How could that be possible, I wonder. Am I the only one?
I have to admit my teenage-hood was the worst years of my life. I didn't know what happiness means because no matter how much I laughed during the day, I saw myself crying at night on my bed. My state of mind was a complete mess. It went on for so long and got so bad until one day I decided enough is enough. I'm done being a crybaby. I'm not gonna be fragile and weak anymore. I'm not gonna let the smallest things get to me, hurt me, affect me in any way. It wasn't easy, I had to force myself to become an entirely different person. Snakes shed their skin, I shed my feelings away. I gave myself a second chance to fix my life, a rebirth I know I needed.
3 years later since my last post on this blog, I can say I succeeded. I can't remember what kind of person I was before. Reading back through all my posts got me thinking how bad were things before? Was I just being dramatic? Did i exaggerate things? However, speaking in honesty, I don't really appreciate who I've grown up to become. I am nowhere near of who I was in the past. Pain really does change people I must say, I am a living proof. I took the changeover too drastically that this transition has made me turn into a heartless walking creature. I am much more carefree and laid-back now, although some people would call it as being cold. When I said to myself I'm never going back there, a part of me shut/ closed all entry to emotions, not specifically just sadness.
My feelings are short-lived now. I stopped appreciating things and people, because my heart regards my feelings as unnecessary; unimportant. Whatever the memories are, they never stay. My brain discards them as soon as the event is over. I stopped berangan because in my head, those are not real. I only live in the moment; my future will arrange itself and I shouldn't worry about things that have not yet happened, I thought. My guards are so high up, the outsiders have no way to reach me inside, or for me to climb out. I made sure there is no way I could let them in to hurt me, ever again. It costed me my humanity, empathy especially. I never speak up about my feelings at all, I never express gratitude anymore, and most importantly I never put any hope on anything anymore. Just because I am done getting hurt. All in all, I am emotionally dead.
3 years later since my last post on this blog, I am back. I am writing again but I have to say it's hard to dig into my heart and feelings, to come up with this post. The words mostly popped out from my brain, not by what I feel. It makes me feel sick and lack as a human, as essentially feelings are what make a human, a human. With this post, I am learning to feel again. Make me feel again.
//There's no right and wrong in life. You define your own life and the way you see things. Whatever it is that you decide, you just have to be prepared for the consequences. I can't say whether I gave myself a second chance, or I gave up all my chances totally. (to be continued)
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